Samson

I watched again through the side window, faced as it was opposite the entrance. More hole in the wall than window, even though they had the money for glass. I would be too embarrassed if I was on the road anyways. His bare back was to me, and I could see the taut thin muscles along his back, tight then loose as the hammer swings. Embers flew onto his forearms but he never flinched. Sweat dripped down along his neck – how sweet it looked glistening along his shoulders. Glazed Sam.

***

Done for the day, I put my shirt on and headed home. Quarter of a mile away I could already smell dinner; lamb, I think. I was glad we were away from the rest of town, what with dad cooking that sort of stuff. I looked up at the setting sun – maybe an hour or so until I meet that merchant girl. I can still feel her hand on my arm when she asked me, much softer than steel. For some reason I wasn’t very hungry.

Dad said nothing when I came in. The lamb was roasting over the firepit in the back, stuffed with herbs. Carrots, potatoes, and onions were sizzling in a pan beneath it, catching the dripping lamb juices. Bread that must have just been pulled out of the clay oven half an hour ago lined our one small table. I sat outside and waited, staring at the sky.

The sun was almost set by the time dad pulled the lamb off the fire. He brought it over to our little table with the vegetables and started to eat. I served myself some meat and ate quickly, trying to be inconspicuous. Dad wasn’t eating though – he just watched. I finished and accidentally made eye contact.

“More.”

I hesitated, then served myself more food and continued to eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about that hand. Fist could barely be the size of my hammer. This time, almost half of the food was gone before I moved to get up.

“More.”

I looked at dad, but couldn’t look at his face. Instead I stared at his chest. I was very full. I forced myself to eat.

There was two thirds of the food gone this time. A half pound left on the maybe two pound roast.

“I’m done,” I whispered. The food pushed angrily at my stomach. Dad shifted in his seat and grabbed the remaining lamb. Thank God, I thought, and almost made it to the door, right behind where dad was sitting.

“Wait.” I froze, then turned around. He was holding out the last of the lamb, his dirty fingers piercing into the tender flesh, juices dripping down his arm.

I stared back defiantly.

“No.”

I was suddenly on the ground. I could see black around the edges of my vision. By some miracle I kept myself from vomiting. Dad towered over me with the lamb pinched between his thumb and forefinger.

I took it and ate.

***

That boy don’t eat enough I cook this fine meal and he think he won’t eat the whole thing he’s kidding me no boy of mine will kid me

Men need to be big and strong big and strong

My father kneeled bloody-faced at the foot of the big man on the street. I pulled on his shirt that night and asked and he rained down righteous fury like he’d read to me. That big man’s fists falling on my face.

Big and strong.

***

I make my way across the field to the edge of the forest. There’s a rock that juts out about a mile in as long as you hang on the east, she said. Dinner exits just a few feet in, and I rinse my mouth with water from the river that flowed in from the mountains.

It is very dark by the time I get there, but moonlight is shining well enough I can see her waiting. She is not afraid like me and in the light she pushes me down.

***

Mama says it is the anticipation that is half the pleasure but how can anyone know what to anticipate the first time they chew honeycomb. Shipped in a glass jar that pa brings back after one of his long trips I thought it would be good so much I begged and cried until he relented but it was so much better and how could I have known.

***

I walk back to the river with her because it is very late and dangerous and I would not feel right leaving a girl by herself in these woods. We are almost back before I can see it drinking but by then it is too late. I can tell it is hungry just by looking at it just skin and bones but still a predator. Swiftly it turns when it smells us (we were downwind) and runs very fast so I push her to the side and hold up my hands not thinking. It goes for my throat but I hold open its jaws and pull pull pull and it is to my surprise quite easy. Like how I keep ruining the bellows.

***

That blacksmith kid has something wrong with him. I am telling this whenever I can to Mr. Wattington when along his route he stops by each month but he doesn’t believe it that his only daughter would have any interest in a day laborer and I think to myself you haven’t seen the way she looks at him when she thinks no one is looking, peeking in through the back every day as she does. Maybe wrong attracts wrong she looks like she wants to eat him.

I am thinking these things as I carry the water bucket to the river but stop when I realize that there is a smell. I follow it upstream and I’ll be damned but there is some huge wolf ripped damn near in two near the stone bridge, blood and guts all about. Chunks of flesh were missing, must have been picked at by other wolves already.

***
When I pull apart that wolf I can see a golden sheen pour out of it and so I bend down to look closer and it drips viscous syrup I hear my name called behind me but I do not care instead I am overwhelmed with the scent of sweetness and I have to taste

What is honey well I think it is when bad things get what is coming eating only when one wants to eat is there such a good thing packed inside every living thing

***

I am cooking three chickens tonight I get a good deal in exchange for all those goods my boy makes first I cut off their heads and bleed them then pluck out all their feathers then have to take all the guts out and tear out the legs when you make chicken your cut along the shoulder then along the thighs and then separate out the breast which you can cut into four chunks and then all of it goes into the pot with fresh water and bay leaves thyme rosemary garlic lots of salt and pepper then carrots potatoes celery and boil for two hours until all the meat is falling off the bones

Sam shows up in time for dinner with that merchant girl I serve him in our biggest bowl he has to eat at least three of them if he wants to grow up big and

He says no what boy of mine won’t eat this food took me three hours I’ll make him eat if I have to three hours

***

Tore his pa’s arm clean off why does he look that way at the open wounds

***

Is there a sweet gilded thing hidden inside every thing

***

Big and strong big and strong

The Ewe

David used to be a salesman, until he got lost in the woods. Now he was a dying one. He laid against a redwood facing a clearing in the forest and pondered his loss of interest in life. The sun rose above him, continuing an inexorable march westwards. Its halo etched into his vision until he forced himself to look away, blinking from the impression it left. 

Only then did he notice the lone sheep feeding nonchalantly in the open area in front of him. He was taken aback – there shouldn’t be any farm animals this far up in the mountains; certainly no sheep this well fed and groomed. His stomach clenched painfully, and his instinct for survival spurred him into action. He surreptitiously inched his hands towards the makeshift knife he kept in his pocket for hunting and slowly rose to his feet, but the ewe continued to eat – without even the courtesy of turning its head to assess the approaching figure.

David heard laughing and froze. He spun around, eyes wild, his knife held stiffly in front of him, but there was no one else in the clearing. Just him and the ewe. All the energy drained from his body and he sat himself suddenly on the ground, the knife falling from his hands.

I went out last night with this guy and he was really hot plus he’s already in medical school how can someone be that hot and that smart he’s probably too good for me I think that you should find somebody else you’re such a good friend that I wouldn’t want to hurt you and I’m not ready to date right now it’s still too soon I’m really jealous of my because I just want to date her partner so bad he’s so perfect ugh I hate people that sell things who would ever want the sex was so good how can I not call him he just won’t listen to what I say I want to be heard too I’m hot right

            David pressed the palms of his hands as tightly as he could into his ears.

            So I talked with and he said that she really did not want to go out with you what are you hoping for maybe a kiss she must be kind of into you if she was talking to you about it’s not official just because you’re going out to dinner once how do I look in these shoes I’m not the fancy dress kind of girl I think you should find someone else

            This goddamn sheep was laughing at him. Won’t even give him the time of day.

            “I could walk up and slit your throat right now you fucking animal,” David yelled. He waited for a response but the ewe continued her rumination, slowly plodding forward as she exhausted the greenery beneath her.

Won’t even look him in the goddamn eye.

            What’s wrong with me why am I is it my body I’m kind of flabby I don’t like the way my face looks eyebrows too strong acne scars really skinny arms don’t work out I’m not very smart I failed that one class I’m not good at memorizing things am I funny I’ve been told I’m not don’t pick up on things really creepy can’t take a hint doesn’t want me to sit next to him I’m annoying bad personality really desperate don’t even have a job wouldn’t impress her why am I so

            The grass beneath his feet pulled at his legs, the emptiness of the woods around him pressing on him like hands.

            At least I’m not this sheep though it’s all alone has no man just walks around and eats all day pathetic broken so bad it doesn’t even notice I’m here I could sneak behind it and bam sure is quiet up in the woods even birds don’t like me everything hurts bet a grand this animal got abandoned for it’s honestly grotesque would have been tossed anyways no one wants that wool must be wondering why it was born if all the things it wanted it couldn’t have this ewe isn’t a woman it can’t even attract a ram must be lonely ears too big and wool not combed and slits for eyes

            David tried to force himself to laugh but he didn’t feel the situation was especially funny. If anything, he felt sympathy for the pathetic creature that stood eating before him. How sad of a life to wander around the mountains by oneself.

            This sheep is just asking for it back turned and all she wants it can’t even get a ram I’ll show her a man

            He quivered with excitement and groped around wildly for his knife. He rose quickly and, after a moment of nausea, stomped loudly towards the ewe to make sure she knew he was coming. He came up behind her and froze at the last second, shaking in anticipation. She really was a beauty. Slowly he reached out with his free hand to touch her fur.

            This is what I want right

            The ungulate rose up on her front legs and slammed her back hooves into David’s chest. Ribs shattered, and the ex-salesman collapsed in a heap on the ground gasping for air. He looked up, fury pounding through the pain, and watched as she stepped into his view, blocking the rising sun. She looked down and met his gaze with golden irises. Searing.

            She wants

            The ewe turned and walked out of view to the west.

Summary of Henderson Article

Henderson, Mae G. Re-membering the Body as Historical Text. Toni Morrison’s Beloved: a casebook, pg 81-106. Oxford University Press, 1999. New York.

            In order to fully engage with the future, Henderson argues, one must construct a sense of individuality by creating meaning from the unspeakable memories of their past – in Sethe’s case, by wiping herself of the myth of the master (or her master’s) narrative and telling her own story as both a slave and a mother. As we discussed in class, Beloved emerges in response to the flagrant, although not altogether startling, omission of female slave narratives, attempting to imagine the accounts of “…the women and children who left no written records.” (82) Within this vacuum emerges an opportunity to redefine the contemporary understanding of slavery by breaking into the reproductive reality of alienated maternity and sexual abuse. In the same way that Morrison pieces together a story from narratively isolated memories, Henderson interprets Sethe’s journey throughout the novel to be one of emplotment and re-figuration; piecing together memories to create a story, and then re-engaging with them to change their meaning and their significance to herself in the present and the future. As such Morrison and her protagonist are paralleled in the process of deconstructing the pallid master narrative in order to bring to light opaque truths of slavery, and demonstrate the challenge of coming to terms with the weight of the past. Henderson reveals the importance of open dialogue with the then in order to understand the now and create the after – and yet grapples with the frustration of ultimate destruction in the process.

            Perhaps less emphasized, but no less fascinating, are Henderson’s themes of the physicality of the past in the present. Elaborating on the inscription of Beloved’s name upon her tombstone as a symbol of the trace she leaves behind in the world as memory, she describes the way “… the master has inscribed the master(‘s) code on Sethe’s back,” (86). There is significance to the way Sethe’s body acts as a template upon which her owner can write – narrative and trauma is generated not simply through text and law, but also through the physical implications and applications upon its victims. Furthermore, schoolteacher “… [appropriates] Sethe’s ‘milk’ through a process of phallic substitution…[using] the pen… to ‘re-mark’ the slave woman with the signature of his paternity.” (90) Referring to Sethe’s rape scene, in which schoolteacher’s nephew forcibly nurses from her, Henderson’s focus on material symbols belies that even beyond literary technique, the past and future are inevitably linked to objects in the present, and implies that the damage of slavery includes the denial of physical things in the future – children, touch (the nerve-deadened skin on Sethe’s back), and perhaps even skin ship between emotionally damaged individuals.

            Henderson more concretely discusses the idea of the Other, and it’s significance in creating identity for the self. When analyzing Baby Sugg’s wordless reaction to Sethe’s scars, she describes the presumption that “…[black women] can be written and written upon precisely because they exist as the ultimate Other, whose absence… only serves to define the being or presence of the white or male subject.” (87). Henderson describes here how black women serve as a template upon which the identity of the master narrative is created – a narrative defined by all of the ways white males are not like black women (an idea, as we’ve read about in class, that Morrison herself has written about). To further complicated the matter, Henderson brings in the concept of “self-distanciation” from Morrison, in which “… ‘the self [is] really a twin or a thirst or a friend or something that sits right next to you and watches you.” (92). Morrison describes here the way in which women can project their value of their own life onto something other than themselves – and Beloved acts perfectly as this other, connecting “… the individual to repressed aspects of the self, as well as to… others.” (93). Beloved mirrors the otherness of Sethe and the black women in her community, and must be expelled in order to develop a sense of self that is not defined by trauma. In this way Henderson creates an interesting parallel between the way whiteness exists only relative to blackness, and the way projection of Sethe’s repressed self must be engaged with to move beyond. 

            In order to create the framework for Henderson’s ideas of memory creation, organization, and significance, she brings in Paul Ricoeur’s notions of “… prefiguration [denoting] the temporality of the world of human action; configuration, the world of the narrative emplotment of these events; and refiguration, the moment at which these two worlds interact and affect each other,” (100). In context of these philosophical ideas, Sethe, according to Henderson, configures a narrative, with a plot, by using prefigured re-memories, and triggered by Beloved, is forced to re-figure the meaning of these memories and the collective story she has created out of them in order to deliver the future. Ricoeur’s framework allows a structured approach to the novel, in which repeatedly Sethe, her children, and her peers create stories out of memories (their own and others’) in order to make sense of their lives. In a similar vein, Henderson cites Morrison’s process of “literary archeology” as “… ‘[moving] the veil aside’ in order to penetrate the ‘memories within’.” (83). In the same way that Sethe has pre-figured (experienced and consolidated) her own memories, Morrison uses the act of imagination to generate memories that can then be communally configured and refigured.

            In addition to the philosophical and critical frameworks provided, Henderson strives to emphasize the importance of psychoanalysis in her reading of the novel. Quoting Norman Brown – “… ‘the method of psychoanalytic therapy is to deepen the historical consciousness of the individual (“fill up the memory gaps”) till [she] awakens from [her] own history’”. (92). According to Henderson, the process Sethe and Morrison go through to create a sense of individuality and identity for black female slaves echoes the process a practitioner of psychotherapy might use when working with a patient. There must be some level of interaction with the past, some construction of a functional internal narrative, before the patient may “awaken” from the nightmare of their trauma and move on. The use of these analytical tools seems to pay off during analysis of the end of the novel, when Sethe “…re-enacts the original event… This time, however, [she] directs her response to the threatening Other rather than to… “her children.” (100) Following this reading, Sethe’s conflation of Edward Bodwin with schoolteacher becomes a re-figured history, in which Sethe is placed in the same situation that led to her infanticide, except she has changed the significance of her past, and thus redirects violence upon the antagonist rather than her children.

            Henderson’s article reads very insightfully into the nature of Morrison’s intentions of examining the creation of history and the parallels it has with Sethe’s creation of her individual history. The act of re-membering, emplotment, and re-figuring are impossible to deny in the text – each of Sethe’s narrations engage in traumatic memories, and the novel is founded upon the painful process of confronting the past. Henderson also aims to address the ending as fairly as possible – she does not claim that Sethe is herself redeemed by Morrison, nor does she imply that she has been necessarily healed of her trauma either. Rather, in her view, the novel instead celebrates the process of refiguration rather than its results – a fair assessment of a story entrenched in moral ambiguities and disregard, and that emphasizes the physical and mental permanence of traumatic events. If there is one thing Henderson did not elaborate upon, however, it is the significance of Denver in process of moving beyond the past. Denver, unlike her mother, engages with and overcomes her own trauma successfully, and is arguably the most important symbol for what is at stake in Sethe’s re-figuration process – the next generation.

Walter

              Walter’s lips were chapped. More so, he felt as if all his saliva had been meticulously patted out with a cotton cloth and his mouth left to wither with all the grace of a field of blighted crops in East Sannad. For some reason, the crowd of dozens of eminent sociologists and historians patiently waiting for him to begin intimidated him far more than his homefield crowd of arcane scientists and specialists. He had been studying arcana his whole life, but sociology was new ground. The straightforward mechanical processes that defined scientific study were nowhere to be found in the oral mythology of the Iravon halflings that introduced him to social studies, much less any concrete answers to their generations of racial conflict, and this frustrated Walter. If you’re having problems programming your summoned mud golems to use a pickaxe correctly, then it’s simply a matter of correcting your summoning incantation. That’s what books are for, and worst-case scenario, it’s a straightforward process of re-summoning and re-writing and recording until the behavior you want is developed and reproducible. But how are you supposed to solve halflings? Iravon halflings may be unusually congenial with most other species, but even they don’t get along with Urivon halflings, and time and time again history has shown that forcing these groups together for any extended period of time is asking for trouble, even though they have existed in relative proximity for years, secretly elope and intermarry, and have painfully obvious common roots in their respective oral traditions.

              Walter wasn’t here just to talk about Iravon halflings however – he was preoccupied with, inconceivably, something that could be considered a solution to a problem in a field defined by its lack of solutions to problems. The scholars that he was slowly making measured eye contact with around the room had all but vowed to take a purely journalistic and theoretical approach, never daring to offer a fix to any of the various social issues that seemed so obvious to an outside party. To be fair, giving a three hour dissertation to a crowd of illiterate goblins that all hate both you and each other has never ended well – and hyperbole aside, it is a very different thing to live through conflict than it is to observe it; Walter knew that very well. However, this was a case study in cultural enlightenment that potentially could pioneer a new way of interacting with the creatures of the world, and Walter was the first to write about it, thanks to the help of Virfaren. It was the academic fame he got from this discovery that led him to talk at this conference, and the childlike surge of pride he got knowing that everyone here must have read his paper finally motivated him to begin.

              “Thank you, all, for coming to this conference that my mentor, Dr. Margaret Butler, has so generously taken the time to organize. I understand that everyone is quite busy with their own research and teaching obligations, and am humbled at the incredible turnout of this event in spite of this. My name is Walter Douglas, and I am a fifth year graduate student at Westport University [Coast south of Beacon Hills]. I actually began my graduate career at Coldmont [along the Northern Mauvre] studying the mechanics and design of mud golems, specifically in conjunction with the magical equipment my hometown specializes in, until I found myself in contact with Margaret and she introduced me to her work on the Iravon peoples of Sannad. Pushed by her, and a series of transformative personal events, I transferred to Westport and began to work on the Iravon myself, until through my work with them I found out about the Elberos Clan, whom I will be talking about today.

              “To those unfamiliar with Margaret’s work, the Iravon are a group of halflings that have populated the Sannad region for at least the past five centuries, if not longer. Following the common stereotypes of halflings to, perhaps, a fault, this group is well known for their geniality and loquaciousness – fantastically hospitable, and more than capable of befriending even inanimate objects if, for some reason, they feel the need. However, those that take the time to explore the history behind these delightful individuals will find that even the friendliest, seemingly well-adjusted races cannot escape the violent tension the rest of us are too intimately familiar with. The Urivon are a much sparser organization of halflings, scattered randomly across the outer, malnourished regions of Sannad [Somewhere in the Andin Desert?]. Embittered against the Iravon for pushing their own peoples many generations ago into these blighted, dangerous areas, much of the interaction between the two comes in either formalized regional skirmishes or bloody guerilla warfare. Countless centuries of violence, and little military success on the part of the of the Urivon, has solidified an internalized hatred on both parts that has no end in site. Fifty years ago foreign intervention attempted to abolish boundaries and force integration of the Urivon into the more populated and fertile lands near the center of Sannad, which resulted in a fierce conflict that exhausted foreign military support and nearly the entire Urivon population along with it. It is only after five decades of jaded diplomacy and a complicated and culturally hypocritical, if understandable, surge of nationalism that the Iravon have again embraced a more open relationship with the outside world, under the understanding that they will not tolerate such an intrusion into personal affairs again. Margaret’s research focuses on this complicated history, attempting to understand this paradoxical people and the root cause to their hatred of the Urivon.

              “Just over a year ago, as I was transcribing histories in Davpos, a recently established trading hub northeast of Oseon, the capital of Sannad, I was introduced to an older gentlewoman Iravon halfling named Yolyse. An avid adventurer, Yolyse had spent most of the past century abroad, travelling with her wife and friends who all shared this incredible wanderlust that I have never seen before. I spent all night listening to her stories, and just as she was about to leave the next day, for Oseon, and then to who knows where, I remembered myself and asked what she, as someone who has spent her life exploring the world, thinks about the Urivon. She gave me a look I’ll never forget – some cross between anger and sadness, the inner conflict visible upon her features, and then she pulls a slip of parchment from her bag, tells me to write down the question, and leaves. Familiar with such things from my past, I realized it was very likely enchanted, and expecting it to be some form of communication with Yolyse, I wrote down the question, addressed it to her, and signed my name. The words faded from the paper, confirming my suspicion, but the next day when I examined it I found that I was not, in fact, communication with Yolyse, but instead an individual named Virfaren, head of something they called the Elberos clan.

              “After a lengthy, and frustratingly slow, I admit, discourse, I discovered that the Elberos clan is a group of Elves that live in a hidden location somewhere in the Tegell Woods. Consisting mostly of ex-patriates and outcasts, what makes this this clan unique, as you all have read, is their ground-breaking ideology. Populated by those that have seen the worst consequences of racial conflict, the Elberos people have worked for centuries on methodically squeezing the last vestiges of their own innate prejudices and creating a society that benefits on diversity of opinion and character. It is an incredible, concerted, intellectual attempt to tackle and deconstruct some of the worst underlying issues of intelligent creatures with rigorous scientific and sociological method. Fundamentally, this society is based on using time to their advantage – the best way to work through the myth of race is to critically examine and experience many different species and types of people. According to Virfaren, eventually, you can convince even the most prejudiced of individuals of the inherent equality of the denizens of this earth.

“Six months of communication later I asked Virfaren for proof of the existence of this clan, and so he and some of his companions traveled all the way down to the cost of the Beacon Hills and met with me in person. When he arrived I admittedly interrogated him rather viciously, but I am confident in the veracity of his claims. I have never before heard of such a structure for any sort of society, but I am cautiously hopeful that this might be the start, at least, of a greater era of social enlightenment.

              “I am honored to say that I have been extended an invitation to stay with and study the Elberos Clan, and am looking forward to returning with novel insights into this incredible lifestyle. Before I go, however, I am happy to introduce the leader of the clan himself, Virfaren, to talk for a while on his concepts of race as an arbitrary categorization of individuals, and his means of combatting its grip on the minds of the prejudiced.”

              A tall, dark-skinned elf strode confidently onto the stage, clothed in neat, academic collared shirt and slacks that not unintentionally resembled Walter’s attire. He gave a polite nod to Walter as they passed each other, then reached the podium and introduced himself. Virfarin used the next couple of hours to speak on the particulars of his clan, elaborating on the way they factored their diverse voting base into their political system, the methodology behind systematically eliminating bigotry, and various other particulars of interest to the sociologically inclined.

              Very satisfied with the night, Walter left Virfarin to answer questions, knowing he would be the focal point amongst the crowd, and walked back to his room. Once he arrived at his building, one of the nicer dorms on his campus specifically for grad students, he turned away from the entrance and walked around to the back. Disposing of his coat and bag behind a hedge, Walter nimbly clambered up the towering kapok tree that rose from the side of a sizeable garden that decorated the rear courtyard, careful to avoid damaging his formal wear, and waited patiently on a large branch halfway up, enjoying the tropical nighttime breeze. Walter didn’t have to wait long for a familiar rustling, and he did not start when a deep voice greeted him from his side.

              “How was your talk?” It inquired politely.

              “Perfect. They ate it up – once I return from the Tegells I’ll be famous, I’m sure of it,” Walter responded confidently.

              “And then?”

              “And then… and then I think I can finally find peace for what has happened. I don’t want revenge, Arthur. I just want to understand – and, if I can, help people avoid what has happened to us.” There was silence, and Walter let it hang as he strained his eyes to see the stars over the coastline.

              “What about you?” Walter finally asked. “Still determined to get your revenge?”

              “Always. You were too young to remember our parents… but I do.” Arthur’s voice was more wistful than it was angry. “Our father was a good man.”

              “To his family, perhaps,” Walter countered. “He was an angry man as well.”

              “Can you blame him? Decades of poverty, humiliation, starvation. I would be angry too.”

              “Still. There’s no excuse for violence. What happened to our people was unacceptable, but our father’s anger cost everyone’s life.”

              “Our lives were forfeit anyways. They were just looking for an excuse to get rid of us.”

              “And our father provided it. I understand that he was not the only one to blame. But I also understand that there are other ways to deal with injustice. Better ways. I want justice too, but not if it costs the lives of others – because if so, how are we any better?”

              “You’re still too young Walter. You don’t realize that in the real world, there aren’t always pretty ways to wrap up conflict. All that truly matters is power – and once I get it…” Arthur let the implicit threat hang. The anger in his voice was palpable now, and Walter shuddered silently, cringing even though it wasn’t directed at him. There was more silence, and then rustling once again, this time signaling that Arthur was about to leave.

              “Arthur, wait,” Walter said suddenly. “Even if we don’t agree on this, you’re my brother. I don’t want you to throw you life away for no reason. Please, you’re the only connection I have to my past.”

              Arthur hesitated, then said, “I will be careful. I can’t get my revenge if I die like an idiot beforehand. I’m going to Sli’raac.”

              “Sli’raac? That place doesn’t exist Arthur.”

              “No!” Arthur insisted. “It’s real – and it has what I need to defeat the mages that killed our father and murdered our village. I can’t risk attacking them without some way of combatting their magic – and there is something there that can help me. The sands are quivering now, Walter. All roads lead to Sli’raac.”

              Walter said nothing, and just reached out in the darkness and squeezed his brother’s arm before letting him go. He hadn’t mentioned it during his talk, but the halfling Yolyse had said that she was heading there next as well. He had asked how she was so sure it actually existed, and she responded in an eerily similar way to his brother.

              “We’re going because now is our time. That’s just where you end up among my type.” When asked to clarify, she simply shrugged her shoulders and changed the subject, and he had thought nothing of it, until now. Sli’raac was a myth he had heard long ago from his adoptive parents, a fairy tale about a desert sanctuary for travelers. There was a lot of conjecture that had been thrown about, that he could tell wasn’t necessarily true because of the way it conflicted with other information he had heard. His mother would say that it was so wonderful that no one ever wanted to leave, so legendary a place that even nomads couldn’t refuse finally settling down. His father would claim the opposite, that it was so dangerous that the thrill attracted the masses, but no one ever made it out alive. His friends amongst the village would demand that it contained countless riches, secrets to immortality, tremendous power to strike down your enemies – all the fantastic stuff one might expect fanciful children to contrive. Even some of the faculty at his university would claim to have met individuals who had known individuals that had personally interacted with other individuals and so on all claiming one thing or the other. Now, though, maybe there was some validity to the story – it was notable that two people he knew firsthand were travelling there.  Worried for the safety of his brother, but all too aware that there was very little he could do to guarantee it, Walter went to bed to ready himself for his journey to the Tegell Woods tomorrow.

              When he left his dorm with his pack of things the following morning, Virfaren and his group of elven companions were waiting for him. The trek north would take a few months normally, but Walter and the elves were fit, fast walkers, and so wove their way through the Beacon and Slate Hill mountain ranges in a matter of weeks. Walter was raised to study magic ever since childhood – he was given the best education money could offer, and first-hand tutoring on the intricacies of summoning golems and using them to automate manual labor. However, his real passion was exercise– every gene in his body screamed for him to exert himself, much to the consternation of his sedentary community, and so more often than not Walter found himself exploring the jungle around him. He would hike miles at a time, walking along the Mawre River to orient himself, and climbing trees to investigate the surrounding area. After using said trees to narrowly escape the more dangerous local fauna a few too many times, he started sneaking away unenchanted swords from his town’s armory, and creating makeshift shields out of palm fronds, chunks of bark, and vines. Finally his parents hired a travelling mercenary to formally train him in swordplay under the agreement that he focus on his arcane studies as well, and his success in the latter eventually led to his studying abroad to pursue higher education.

               His progress in magical studies was notable, and he was on the fast track towards formally becoming a respectable industrial wizard in his own right, when his brother Arthur finally found him. Arthur and Walter are the spitting image of each other, although Arthur is more light-skinned, like their parents. This combined with the accuracy of his recollection of their hometown, and a later admission when Walter confronted his parents with the information, convinced him of the veracity of his brother’s claims.

              Many generations ago, a group of veteran combat mages who made it rich off their success during some major contemporary conflict were exploring the Curtupach Jungle, and found a vast network of gold mines clustered a few miles off the western Olen coast. Unwilling to do the mining work themselves, and as of yet unaware of the wonders of automation with golems, one of the mages got in contact with a war friend that he knew was part of a wandering mercenary family and offered to pay them a tidy wage, as well as provide a large amount of land that would fall under the magical protection of the town the mages were in the process of constructing. Weary from the war, and incentivized by the generous sums far greater than what was offered at the time for hired swords, the group accepted, and for a long while worked happily in the mines in the newly created, and very cleverly named, town of Gildmond. However, after a generation or so, leadership changed as it must over time, and a wizard raised with a taste for the finer things in life decided the wages being paid to the miners were too high for unskilled labor and would simply not do any longer.

              In response to the outrage on the part of the miners, and the threats of abandoning the town all together, the wizard organized a group morally ambiguous town members and laced the surrounding area with magical traps. The ex-mercenaries, knowing nothing of the arcane arts, soon learned the hard way they could not leave the area without risk of obliterating themselves, and all too aware they would stand no chance against a town full of powerful wizards, quietly returned back to the mines for the lower wages. As these things go, wages continually were lowered, and quality of life proportionally decreased. In addition, the roles of each group became further cemented in the town’s politics – obviously, no high born wanted to do the grimy manual labor, and no mercenaries were ever allowed to try their hand at magic. As time progressed, the lack of genetic influx into the increasingly segregated mining area led to miscarriages and birth deformities, both contributing to the narrative of their inferiority. The mages on the other hand were making significant strides in their own development of novel magic, and eventually used their wealth to branch into the business of weapon enchantments. As trade and wealth exploded, the final tipping point for the miners ended up being the introduction – by foreign, more technical wizards – of mud golems. Suddenly, there was no need for miners, and the magical traps were lifted and they were told to go on their way. However, decades of abuse, unpaid wages, and threats of violence had been at the boiling point for a while now, and the loss of the mining job was the last straw. Generations later, these institutionalized people remembered nothing of their tenacious, mercenary ancestors; now, they were mining folk through and through, and to their knowledge, crippled by lack of contact with the outside world, there was nowhere else to go.

              While the populist elected leader of the miners was arguing for their job back with the mayor of Gildmond at the time, David Jacobson, in the middle of the developed part of the town, one choice insult of a particular physical deformity on the young leader pushed him over the edge, and in a fit of passion he jumped on David and beat him to death with his bare hands in the street; that man was Walter’s father. According to Arthur, who was only eight at the time, everyone was too shocked to do anything except watch as two centuries of anger manifested itself in the bloody fists of the passionate youth that fell, again and again, upon the bloody corpse of the mayor. Before anyone could react, Arthur gathered himself and sprinted away to hide in, of all things, an empty crate in an alleyway– and what followed was a bloodbath. First it was the miners in the center of town that came to argue with their father. Then it was all those unaware back in their squalid section of the town who had emerged in response to the sound of screaming. Then it was all those in the process of escaping, or those in the mines collecting their things, or those fishing along the river. Years of prejudiced disregard and dehumanization, coupled with the righteous, blinding anger at the murder of their mayor, spelled genocide for everyone that Walter could potentially call blood. Last of all was his father – Arthur, who still was hiding in town, witnessed firsthand what happened to him. The sadistic, ceremonial nature of the event eventually gave him the chance to escape back to what was left of his home. By some miracle, the infant Walter was alive, but before his brother could find him he was picked up by a sympathetic family that came to explore the ruins of the mining village rather than take part in the torture. Arthur took hope in being unable to find his brother’s corpse and escaped south to the Poisoned Weald where he, orphaned and alone, he was recruited by a gang of hired killers and trained as an assassin.

              Walter on the other hand was raised completely unaware of his origins – according to his parents, he was adopted from some major city in the west they had conveniently traveled to after the massacre, and had fortunately avoided any of the genetic consequences of inbreeding that ran rampant throughout his biological family. The entire thing was never formally addressed afterwards – efforts to spread the word of what happened were quickly and efficiently silenced, and the entire thing faded away into history. Upon learning of this, and surreptitiously confirming the story with his parents, Walter quietly transferred schools, disgusted with his magical history, and feeling utterly betrayed by those that raised him. Instead he threw himself into sociology in an attempt to understand how bias can embed itself within the framework of society so deeply that it could lead to the annihilation of some arbitrarily defined group of people. Arthur’s critique of Walter’s motivations were accurate, though, and so cut all the deeper – in spite of this initial repulsion, what really motivated him now were academic reasons. He enjoyed immersing himself in academic work; sociology, even if at times frustrating, scratched the same itch for Walter as arcana – and frankly he didn’t feel the same loss as his sibling. His childhood was a good one, overall – little in the way of racial tension. The most interpersonal conflict Walter experienced as a kid was the occasional argument over compensation in the marketplace, and he would be lying to himself if he denied it helped that the entire village all looked and talked and walked the same. In spite of this, Walter was very driven in his work, academic enjoyment aside. He had spent his life solving technical problems when summoning mud golems – and now his problem was a bit more abstract, a bit more complex, but he was determined to solve it.

              Virfaren was a genial, talkative elf that enjoyed reasoning through his thoughts out loud, juxtaposing Walter’s own tendency to silently percolate on matters before feeling comfortable enough to speak on them. Much of the journey to the Tegells involved Virfaren monologuing, with the occasional comment or opinion thrown in by either Walter or his companions. Walter didn’t mind one bit – he knew he had a lot to learn, and in spite of his tendency to rattle on Virfaren was a fascinating, intellectually stimulating individual. Nobody Walter had met before had quite the same perspective on the world as this elf did, nor such a strong passion for nature. Virfaren did all the standard nature-y things that woodland elves did: communicate with trees and forest spirits, discuss local politics with the woodland critters, and pay due respects to all of their predators. More significantly, though, were the times he would join Walter in the treetops when they would rest, or when he would wistfully stare into the distance atop mountain vistas, one of the few times he would say very little. Landscapes, he told Walter, comforted him – he always felt safer lost in the woods than in civilization, and would often joke that he had become an old recluse after so much time spent away from populated areas.

              It was from Virfaren that Walter began to rediscover a love of magic once again. One of the other members of the Elberos clan that went by Elaith would spar with him periodically, and after the seventh or so consecutive loss, Virfaren suggested using simple spells as a means of enhancing Walter’s swordplay. Walter would experiment with creating illusions, or flashes of light, to distract Elaith just long enough for him to land a hit, and the thrill of victory was exhilarating. This continued once they reached the hidden location of the Elberos clan, where Walter quickly established himself as a fixture. Surrounded by elves that after decades or centuries of study and travel became critical social philosophers in their own right, he found no want for conversation. He took great pleasure in talking with the fifty or so lasting members and transcribing their ideas on constructing healthy societies and working with racist groups. In addition, Virfaren worked very closely with Walter to engrave the Elberos ideology into his very soul – most important of these the valuing of the individual. Walter admittedly struggled with this – how was he supposed to value the life of people that didn’t value his own? Virfaren would always reply that the cycle of violence must end somewhere, and that it was his responsibility as a future social leader to work with the most difficult people to accept change.

              What originally was supposed to be just a couple of years of study became five years, then ten, then twenty. Periodically he would leave with some group members for various reasons, such as to officially receive his degree, publish more writings, or interact with conflicting peoples in an attempt to de-escalate the situation. During these times he would inquire about his brother, but even years later the members of his village remained unharmed, and after the fifth year of no contact Walter quietly convinced himself of his brother’s death. Fortunately, with the Elberos clan, Walter had found a community.

              After the second decade Walter began to take his aging more seriously – parts of his hair were beginning to gray, and he couldn’t move quite as nimbly as he once had. His anxiety at this was exacerbated by the complete lack of change visible on his friends. Virfaren had not aged a day, being an elf – and Elaith began to win more and more fights as Walter’s own reliance on his failing physical ability began to cost him. His own frustration at his stagnated growth began to run over into the academic parts of his life as well – even after all this time, he lacked the intuitive understanding of people that the other clan members wielded. During the excursions to war torn lands he found his ideas shot down or ignored by his peers – or most frustrating of all, systematically dismantled and undermined. When he complained of this to Virfaren, the elf tried to offer some consolation by sharing his own experience.

              “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself Walter – it took me a century to even begin to develop an intuitive understanding of these issues. You just need to take your time, you’ll get their eventually.”

              “I don’t have a century,” Walter replied coldly. “I’ll be dead in thirty years,” to which Virfaren had no response.

              Another decade passed, and then a new member joined, and elf by the name of Reena. Reena was, for lack of a better term, an asshole – but she was a brilliant one. She picked up on the methodologies instantly, invented a number of novel strategies that began to show real effects when put in place, and most insultingly of all, began to make concrete progress with the Iravon halflings. Forced to travel with her to Sannad, Walter could do nothing but hold his tongue as she systematically dismantled prejudice against the Urivon and convinced political leaders to start making significant social change. She would host in depth, personal conversations with random halflings walking down the street, and by the end of it they left a little less prejudiced than they had begun. It took time, but the Sannad they left behind a year later was very different from the one Walter had known in his youth.

              Reena’s least redeeming trait, in spite of all of this incredible work, was her conviction that the work the Elderos clan was doing couldn’t be done by any species other than elves. Walter’s own lack of success, not to mention that he was the only non-elf of the clan, only served to solidify this bias. After weeks of verbal abuse and gloating on the way back to the Tegells, Walter went straight to Virfaren and demanded they excommunicate Reena.

              “She’s clearly a racist!” Walter shouted. “All she ever does is go on and on about how much better at everything elves are. Sure, she can talk justice, but she’ll turn right around and shit on the people she just helped. How can you let someone like that into the clan?”

              “I sympathize with you Walter, I really do,” responded Virfaren. “But, remember, the whole point of the Elberos clan is to accept all types of people, even the racist ones. Reena will learn in time. Elves are not so perfect, but she is young, barely seventy – I promise, she’ll come around in a century two, they always do.”

              Walter stormed away from the hut, furious, and ran straight into Reena, who had overheard the exchange.

              “Hold your imaginary horses, Walt, we need to talk. Think you can manage that temper of yours for five seconds?” Reena’s voice dripped with malice. “I still don’t understand why Virfaren keeps you around – as far as I’ve heard, you haven’t made any progress at all in the last thirty years. If anybody should be kicked out of the clan it should be you for being so useless.”

              Walter said nothing, staring defiantly back at the elf.

              “Well, I suppose it’s not really your fault. Maybe things will start to click in another decade or two. Two bad you’ll be dead by then.” Reena laughed to herself. “Anyways, I am actually getting tired of you staring daggers at me all the time, so I’m going to go ask to have someone actually useful the next time I go to Sannad and solve your halfling problem. I really don’t think you’re cut out for this Walt – you should consider something easier. Maybe fishing?” Reena giggled again and moved to walk past him.

              It took everything in his willpower just to stand there. Walter had never been so insulted and belittled in his life – and it was made all the worse that there was a part of him that agreed with her. He told himself that he just had to stand here, and then he could go and find a tree and calm down for a few days, having been at his limit for a while. Just as he was about to walk away, however, he heard Reena mutter under her breath.

              “Just as dumb as his brother.”

              Walter blanked out – and once he regained his bearings, he found himself straddling Reena’s bloodied corpse, staring at the crushed remains of her head. He dropped the rock he didn’t even realize he was holding and got up, only to fall back down and slowly back away from the body. He turned to his side and vomited, and at some point between dry heaves he realized Virfaren was next to him. His old friend said nothing, instead roughly pulling him up by his arm and pushing him towards the forest. Once they had reached the edge of the clan’s territory, away from the rest of the horrified clans-elves, Virfaren shoved Walted hard, who fell to his knees.

              “Reena was wrong for what she said. But you let your emotions get the best of you. Leave now before I do the same.”

              Walter slowly got to his feet and made eye contact with Virfaren. The elf was emotionless – but fire was crackling in the palm of his right hand. Saying nothing in retort, Walter stumbled away, and didn’t look back until he was as far away as his legs would take him. Exhausted, he forced himself, out of habit, to climb up a tree and immediately fell asleep.

              He did not awake in the same tree. Instead, he found himself on a cold, damp surface in pitch black. Panicking, he flung his arms out, trying to get his bearing, but found no nearby walls. Feeling around on the ground, he quickly realized he was surrounded on all sides by water. Having nowhere to go, Walter was weighing his chances on trying to swim his way out when he suddenly heard the overpowering roar of hundreds of gallons of water erupting in front of him, and just in time he latched himself onto his tiny landmass as waves of water rushed over him, completely soaking him. Shivering, he listened intently for the source of the eruption, but heard nothing but the splashing of water against a distant wall echo throughout what must have been some gigantic cavern. Suddenly, a mind-bending migraine pierced Walter’s skull, and a high pitched whine drowned out all thought while he writhed on the ground in pain, almost falling into the water and drowning himself. Then, just as quickly, it stopped, and a voice forced its way into his head.

              “Walter – can you hear me?” asked the voice, sounding surprisingly mundane, oddly similar to his brother.

              “Yes?” He croaked out, confused. “Arthur is that you?”

              “I am not your brother – I am merely pulling his voice out of your memory in order to comfort you. But you can call me Arthur.”

              “If you’re not my brother, then… what are you?”

              There was a pensive silence for a while, and Arthur could hear the sloshing of water a few dozen feet away from him. Whatever was out there was big – very, very big.

              “I… am one of the first beings to swim this earth. You will know in due time, but you are not ready. Not yet.” Something splashed into the water, and the displaced water swept past Walter, who was too drenched at this point to notice.

              “I brought you here because you’re special Walter.”

              “I’m not special,” Walter retorted, temporarily distracted by an intense self-loathing. “I’m just the same as anyone else.”

              “Biologically, yes. Humans are inferior creatures. Even in comparison to other humanoids, they are middling at best. Terribly short life spans, limited ability to pass on knowledge, not to mention weak. A miracle, frankly, any have made it so far. You realize humans are weak too, but not for these reasons. You are frustrated by your own, and, well, your races’, shortcomings. You see endless patterns of division and conflict – generations of stupid, pointless wars, the same mistakes made over and over. You think that humans should know better. You also think that halflings should know better, and maybe a few choice elves. Well, one less now anyways.” Laughter echoed in Walter’s head.

              “Your analysis is correct: humanoids – comically egotistical, by the way, and the presence of which in the human lexicon proves the point of their shortsightedness – are too stupid to see the consequences of history. Perhaps some individuals will learn the hard way not to repeat their ancestor’s mistakes, but generally those that do make the mistake don’t live long enough. That’s what this comes down to really – that humans have to make the mistake in order to learn the lesson. Unfortunately, most lessons are fatal, and those that are not can take many times a human’s lifespan to demonstrate their consequences.

              “You think that elves are better than humans because of this. Also correct: although to me, they pass their lives just as quickly. Longer lives means more time to understand consequences. Beyond that, they are not so much better. You want their intelligence – but let me tell you this, what you really want is knowledge. The kind that accumulates over endless eons of existence. These elves you admired know nothing. Knowledge is just a game of time, Walter. Let me help you win it.

              “I cannot myself give you the gift of immortality – however, it is not as hard to achieve as you may think. For now, I can transfer your consciousness into a copy of you from an alternate plane that is not so, well, decayed, and that will give you a little bit of extra time. You will have to relearn some of your skills, though, but that’s a small price to pay for a fresh body.”

              As soon as the voice stopped, the high pitched whine from before began again, more intense and furious, and Walter once again fell to the floor in pain. Suddenly he was standing, and all at once every nerve fired in his new body and he screamed in agony. The whining stopped, and Walter staggered, catching himself again from falling off his rock. He put his hands to his face and felt the skin of a much younger man: the wrinkles smoothed out, welts from his skirmishes with Elaith removed, and the aching of his joints cured instantly.

              “You have already killed once – for humans, it gets easier after the first. You will have to kill many more times, so don’t let yourself get caught up in your self-pity. Embrace your anger while you still can – I’ll warn you now, you won’t feel much after your first couple of eons. Now go, my champion, and with your own hands achieve apotheosis. Then, come back to me and I will share with you my timeless knowledge – and then perhaps we can move beyond this material plane. Oh, and I suppose you may find out what happened to your brother after all.”

              “Where do I go?” Walter asked out loud to the darkness.

              The whining began a final time. “Where all roads lead,” the voice replied.

My Garden

Have you ever questioned something you knew made no sense to question? Or, if you’re more self-aware than me, maybe you’ve wondered about your own perception of something that seems to change but doesn’t. I’ve spent my whole life living right on the coast, in a small town called Lavendale situated at the crest of a giant cliff side facing the water, with my house on the best spot right below the the tiny garden at the top of the hill. The garden is full of lavender and dahlias and rhododendrons that the locals maintain out of habit and some small pretense of tourism. In reality people hardly ever visit because there are far better views 25 minutes north to the state park, so this little garden was all mine. During the day Mr. and Mrs. Wexley might walk up for the exercise, and Amber and George would spend their early retired mornings tending to the plants, but everyone was asleep by eight thirty at the latest, so I got the evening all to myself.

               I never cared too much about the plants – I appreciated their presence, and the sense of privacy they gave the lookout point, but it was never about the plants. Rather, it was about the paradox of anxious and excited mystery of the ocean, and the rhythmic breaking of water rushing into the cliffs below, and the smell of the salt water all wrapped up in an exquisite sensory bundle that either relaxed or inspired me, depending on my mood. All this so that even when it was an especially chilly night, or drizzling, I would walk up that path behind my house with my flashlight and up to the garden and sit on the cold stone bench underneath the cedar that marked the transition to the forest and watch and listen and feel.

               When I was a kid I would have sworn that path was never ending. My parents would walk me all around town but after two or three times of dragging me up the hill to the garden I would kick and cry and scream until they figured it wasn’t worth the effort and gave up all together. It wasn’t until I was 12 or 13 that my dad told me I wasn’t cut out for the intense physical demand of what really amounted to only a 20 minute walk that I set out to prove him wrong and never stopped. Once it became a staple of my daily routine I began to jealously guard it from the stray outsiders that found themselves in Lavendale on the way to somewhere more interesting. My neighbors I could forgive but not the sullied, grimy presence of frugal hikers in their discolored 2000s Subaru Outbacks and decade-old tattered and frayed hiking boots. I remember once when I was 14 I saw a couple of guys sitting in the diner I didn’t recognize and beelined up the hill and crouched behind the towering rhododendron that framed the northeastern part of the garden telling myself I would scare them off with rocks or ghost sounds or something. But when they made their way up, surely on the recommendation of Elda, the loquacious owner of the aforementioned diner, I chickened out and just watched them look around instead. They were courteous enough to ignore me, and instead snapped a couple shots of the view and went on their way – and along with the anger I expected at the violation of my scenic viewpoint I also was disappointed they didn’t seem to appreciate it more.

I’ve been to the city before – brought on a school field trip to see the Pacific Science Center and Pike Place and the sculpture garden overlooking the waterfront. It was fun until some crazy guy started screaming at people on the street. Disheveled and dirty, reeking of dried urine and vomit, I was taken aback at his anger at random people. I made the mistake of making eye contact, and I’ll never forget the look of vitriol, the pure, unadulterated intensity and fury. I latched onto my friend’s hand and quickly looked away. My classmates joked nervously after we had safely passed but I was disturbed, that night and for a long time afterwards. I was afraid. What was his family thinking letting him soil himself in the streets? What had I done to deserve that angry look? How dare he make me feel that way!

For a long time I was afraid of going back up to my garden, becoming paranoid that this strange, horrible man somehow followed me back to Lavendale and was hiding in the big patch of roses on the southern side, just waiting to jump out and do terrible things to me. It wasn’t until my mom whispered defeat under her breath as she looked away from me and out the window towards the city that I decided to go back and watch the ferries trudge through the water.

The funny thing is that every time I went, the walk to the garden got shorter and shorter. I would go so often I wouldn’t even notice the time go by – the winding path through this sliver of forest just became the sign that marked the entrance and the big boulder covered in moss and lichen to the side by the ferns and the sharp turn you had to do behind another giant cedar, not the one in the garden, which meant you were almost there and suddenly you were. But it’s funny because if you try to think about how short the walk was it became much longer again. The way the branches intertwined by the entrance above your head and the rotting stump with someone’s initials carved into it and the strangely curved trunk of a Douglas fir you could almost sit on but not quite but also the stubborn nagging in your head that told you it was an inconvenience to walk any further, and how much better it would be to just go home instead of wasting your time outside. If you think too much about every step of exertion required to go up the path, you won’t go up the path.

               Sometimes I am so tired. There’s this feeling of defeat that looms and overtakes or drags or craftily coerces you into your house and once you’re sitting down in your ridiculous recliner or your bed you just… stay there. This isn’t the kind of tired you get from running for an hour or from walking around all day carrying shopping bags – it’s the kind of tired that sticks with you when you wake up and don’t drink enough coffee until you feel like laying down on the side of the road in front of your neighbor’s house because it’s just too much effort to even get home. It’s the kind of tired too that even if you miraculously make it back somewhere socially acceptable in which to collapse you can’t relax because you feel so bad about doing nothing so you distract yourself with books or tv or anything because you won’t be able to fall asleep and get rested no matter what.

               When I climb up to my little garden I feel good. I’ve told myself time and time again that it makes me feel good – I understand it objectively, and intuitively once I make it to the top. But even if I really know it, there is this grimy, viscous something that keeps me from going. Sometimes I feel so light and energetic and excited and inspired I’ll fly up that path in no time, and other times my foot is caught in the slime and I convince myself it’s not worth the effort. There is something about our collective human psyche that keeps us from doing the things that we know will make us feel good. I’ve heard it called activation energy, a miniature decision, very much in a way the opposite of procrastination or instant gratification. There must be something wrong with me that prevents me from acting on that. The grime is just too thick some days.

               My mother is not an especially beautiful woman. I’ve read enough cheesy coming of age stories about boys glorifying their young mother that always came off to me as rather perverse, sickening implications of sexuality – in any case, this was not an issue, both because I had no male siblings and, like I said, my mom was not pretty. She wasn’t pretty in a lot of ways, I should clarify: she was tall, taller than me, but steadily had been putting on weight ever since she hit her 30s. She slept very little, so always had bags under her eyes, and at some point she stopped using even the littlest bit of make up to touch up the acne scars she had acquired in her youth. Her nose was somewhat hooked, her eyelashes could have been longer, and she stopped trimming or controlling the lip hair that got just the faintest bit thicker every day. All of this, I admit, made me extremely vain about my own appearance – many years of too much makeup, hours spent examining myself in the bathroom mirror, looking for just a trace of any my mother’s unfortunate phenotypes.

               Over time I’ve come to accept that part of my mother’s appearance is not under her control – the nose, the mustache; it all is insignificant, in the end. But my mother is ugly in many ways, and her other form of ugliness reflects itself in the way she eats and drinks and refuses to sleep. My mother is miserable. Not for any good reason, her husband is alive and well, she has one mostly competent child, she lives in a beautiful little town surrounded by nature and water, and lives thousands of miles away from the family that she hates. But if I sometimes have my foot stuck in the tarpit, she has submerged completely long, long ago.

               So one day she divorces my father and uses her savings to rent an apartment out in downtown Seattle with a view, convinced that her problem was location. But it wasn’t, and for all the problems Lavendale may have with racism and incessant gossip Seattle has both and more. I remember visiting my mom and she was looking out the window in her new studio that she could only have been able to afford for a couple of months and I argued and pleaded and cried and still she looked out the window towards the city and whispered, under her breath, that she would never be happy, something I only barely caught because I had finally stopped sobbing, and then she

               So I went back to my garden, because I wasn’t afraid of that homeless man anymore, and I watched the moon shine for all her children. That night it was perfect: just cold enough to send a shiver down your spine every so often, even with a coat, and it had just rained during the day so it smelled of dirt and moss and the forest. I remember hugging myself and almost vomiting and trying not to make too much sound because I absolutely could not stand someone else’s presence, and in between the pain I would see the stars and hear the water and taste the air all from my little garden until years and years and years later it was OK. And now, the walk up to my garden is the shortest walk in the world.

The Tunnel

If you walked far enough away from my house, nested away in the forest, and started to walk towards the city, the first thing you would notice would have to be the walls. I live on high ground, you see – I like being close to the sky, because it makes me feel like I can go anywhere, even if all I do is sit and stare at it. It’s not so much about actually doing it… it’s really just about the feeling, you know? Anyways, you would notice the walls because you’re walking down this giant mountain and starting to go below ground so the city planners built these giant walls to lead you in. Maybe it was pretty in a weird, creepy way back when it was brand new but now it’s just gross in a weird, creep way. There’s all kinds of stuff splattered against the walls – weird paintings, people’s names carved in way above your head somehow, food rarely. You go farther and farther down and eventually you get to the ceiling, which has really bright lights installed so don’t look directly at them. Instead you keep going and realize that the stuff on the walls start to change. Closer up to the entrance, closer to the forest, the paintings were all about trees, and animals playing, one or two showing people jumping into a pond that you can see out my window at the mountain top, and lots about the sky with all its stars and clouds and magic. Once you get below ground there’s still animals but they look a lot meaner, and the paintings become more crude drawings showing animals killing people or vice versa. This is because all the people that decided to live below ground were the ones that got tired of fending off nature. They’re the farmers who lost all their crops to insect swarms and rabbits, or the unlucky few that had been attacked by wolves or bears while they were travelling, or sometimes just people who visited more developed areas and realized you didn’t have to shit out in the woods on rainy days. So they got tired of all that stuff and moved away, but fortunately for historians and not so fortunately for the greater artistic world never lost their taste for creative expression and so vented their frustration not just on the Earth by building a giant tunnel into her but also by decorating that tunnel with all of their hatred. It gets… worse, the farther down you go. Instead of just normal day to day killing of animals or being killed by animals people start putting up weird sex stuff with animals, almost like rape-revenge fantasies sometimes, or where they exaggerate that whole relationship and wallow in their own self-pity and suffering so that they imagine all of these horrible and disgusting things happening to their mangled corpses. So you keep walking down this long, long hallway, for miles and miles and miles, and you pass these big gates that you have to wait for the guards to open for you, and eventually you reach a fork in the road. Now this fork will either take you to the nice pretty city on the left or to something far less pretty and nice on the right. You can go right ahead and go to the city and watch pretty pictures on giant screens and buy all the great jewelry straight out of the surrounding mines and eat all this expensive food they have shipped down in giant elevators that lead back up to the top. But that’s not what this story is about – so you take the right. There aren’t as many lights down this way – it goes to one of the big mine shafts that was eventually deemed structurally unsound and so was abandoned fairly early on in the city’s life. So you keep going and the walls turn from cement and stone into dirt and wooden support beams, and there’s really not any paintings because the people that live here don’t really have anything to paint with. Instead you start to smell piss and shit and vomit because nobody’s gonna go walk thirty miles to the outside to use the restroom and if they tried to go to the city they’d be shot. You walk and walk and walk and last time I was there all the lights for the last few miles were out so hopefully you brought a light of your own and then you reach this bigger living space. Here you turn off your light because in this area are these little orbs of light that float around and illuminate sunken eyes and ragged beards and hopeless faces. There’s not very much to eat, you see, so instead people have to walk all the way out here to slowly starve and thirst to death. And in reality, these lights are just some unexplainable natural phenomenon but you can’t help but feel like there’s something significant about the fact that they only show up in this shithole mine shaft full of dying exiles from society. That once you’ve forsaken nature, and subsequently, ironically but also fittingly, been forsaken by people, you are given the small mercy of little dancing lights to lull you into the afterlife. I always try to take some of these people with me but they’re too sunken and ragged and hopeless to move. They spent all their energy coming here because this is all they knew what to do – as if they’ve forgotten that the outside world exists, and are simply willing to follow what they know to their death instead of realizing that there’s a better way. But there’s nothing I can do or say to convince them so instead I sit down and give out some scraps of food and water that are usually ignored and watch the little lights dance for the dead.

Joy

I was watching a ted talk recently [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB4MS1hsWXU&feature=share] where a man talked about the way he handled a divorce in his middle ages, and all of the ensuing loneliness that entailed. He described being at home on the weekends with nothing to do and no one to talk to – tortured silence and solemn depression. In response, he discovered a group of people who emphasized connections with others. These ‘weavers’ demanded physical contact as a greeting, and tore down the many barriers that make the most guarded of us so terribly unhappy. Similarly, he described naturophiles that satisfy whatever is missing within us since birth with beautiful mountain views and long, forested treks. In his talk he asked the audience to consider these people and understand that they have something that most other people do not.

What strikes me the most, though, of this story that juxtaposes the downright cruel way we force ourselves to live, is this notion that happiness is inherently temporary. Certain ephemeral things make us happy – a compliment, a good laugh, winning a game or a fantasy football league or whatever. Joy, though, he claims, is the “…dissolution of self.” To clarify, the state of mind where you can put all of your body and mind and soul into something so wholeheartedly that you lose sight of yourself and your ego and your importance. All that matters is this project of yours – and more often than not it comes through service, or hiking, or other people. Whatever it is that makes you forget not just the daily woes of life but also of your own perceived self-importance that is the most destructive thing of all. The beauty of humility is the inherent acceptance that frees you from the self-inflicted pain of wounded pride.

This blog started with a question of what it meant to be happy, but perhaps happiness in and of itself is a myth. Instead, the much more important question might be that of a fulfilling life, purpose or drive, and how exactly on is meant to dissolute oneself. All those little happy moments are important for maintaining mental health, but there could be a foundation they must rest upon that allows them to accumulate into something significant over time. Let us think less of happiness then but instead joy, so that we might die content with the connections we have made rather than gripping lottery tickets pursuing pointless gratification.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Tarantino’s most recent film was very good. Please donate to my Patreon, thanks.

***Spoilers!***

I kid, but only about the latter part. Once Upon a Time does a great job of capturing movie magic, both of itself and of the many clips that are seen within the film itself, while still pondering the joys of acting and the foundational hierarchy of Hollywood. There are many angles from which to analyse the movie as well – from a position of controversy, as historical fiction, as a critique of masculinity, or perhaps as a shameless endorsement of it. The former is well explained in this Vox article https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/8/15/20759084/once-upon-a-time-in-hollywood-controversy-bruce-lee-sharon-tate-women-explained-tarantino, for those interested. What I want to write about however is a touch of the latter two, and more, as a technique, the means of immersion within what makes movies so entertaining.

To get the first stuff out of the way, Pitt’s character Cliff is the height of Americanized masculinity: he’s shredded, poor, disdainful of annoying women, willing to put people in their place and stand up for injustice (with violence), honorable enough not to have sex with an underage teenager, lovably fond of his dog, unshakably loyal to his best friend Rick Dalton, and perhaps most importantly capable and willing to stand up for himself when threatened. The only thing he’s missing is a gun!

This trend of glorified poverty has generally seemed to have passed, but it was definitely present in movies from a few decades ago, such as in Toby Maguire’s Spiderman movies. Today, there is still certainly an ideal blue collar worker, someone who understands the struggles of the impoverished life style, that is ‘real’, and who continues to work hard in spite of all the obstacles. Someone with grit, integrity, and machismo to spare.

Taking all this into account, it’s no surprise that Cliff is kind of written in as the real worker behind the scenes – he’s the one that does all the dangerous stunts while Rick Dalton acts pretty, and in the end is the one who does all the hard, dirty work of dispatching the Mansonites while Dalton relaxes in his pool. This is further emphasized with Rick’s heightened, by contrast, emotions – a tendency to cry, and fairly quick to anger and frustration with himself. Cliff is the juxtaposition – calm and cool and always composed, even in the most dire of circumstances.

What is interesting too is the way Cliff embraces his own lower position, comforted perhaps by the knowledge that he is honorable and loyal, and so doesn’t mind the terrible pay or unsung hero-like aspects of his career. He just does his job, and is a good friend, and so ultimately is endearing.

Now, as for the counterpoint to this portrayal of masculinity, there are two major things that come to mind. First, the likely possibility that he murdered his wife: a clip is shown once this is revealed to the audience where Cliff sits on a boat with his wife and takes a barrage of verbal abuse that serves to justify the apparent outcome. To be honest, I read that as a fairly blunt admittance of the crime, and it does explain how casually he engages in violence throughout the rest of the film. Isolated from the rest of movie history, this kind of nonchalant attitude towards murder, in which someone being an annoyance is rationale enough to kill them, is one of those things that only really holds up in the fantasy of the movie – few people really want that in somebody they know in real life, because what happens if you become that annoyance? This is the curious intersection that Tarantino employs that I want to explore more in depth later, where he embraces movie tropes, and then lets them speak for themselves about their significance culturally and contextually. With the rest of movie history in mind, the trend of masculinity to equate itself with this sort of sexist generalization of certain types of women stands out like a sore thumb, and, intentional or not, highlights the issue. All that being said, within this movie fantasy, the humor and logic of the movie makes this somewhat forgivable – and that’s part of the point. Movies will forgive Cliff for being hyper-masculine, even if that’s not really a desirable real-life trait. Similarly, although I suspect this is a very personal opinion, I could not help but cringe during the final murder spree at every gruesome smack of the Manson hippie against various platforms and walls around Dalton’s house. It works in the movie, but despite the way Tarantino stylizes his violence, still is very intense. Hugely entertaining and morbidly hilarious, and yet in your face and disturbing.

Now, Cliff aside, this brings up the question of the lengths, as a director, you want to immerse yourself in this movie magic. This includes humorous violence and hyperbolic American ruggedness – these can make a movie, but at a cost. Entertainment can be highly influential, although not to the degree to which some might claim. Media can never be the sole major contributor to any level of violence within a population, but it can alter mindsets that emerge over time and in conjunction with a plethora of other influences and variables. So the qualms with sexism and racism and so on about this movie are valid – however, there must also be taken into account the way a movie is constructed as a whole, and sometimes the vision with which it is made is embedded within these issues, because that’s the point. Once Upon a Time is about recreating an era, and this era had issues, so part of representing it accurately is about engaging with them in the way they were represented. There are different ways to do this, but I don’t think that a direct critique or blatant parody is the only option. Sometimes, it’s just about showing, and making a damn fine movie in the process.

Catch-22

Recently finishing Catch-22, I’ve been taken aback by the ability of an author to convey emotion. I have not been reading as much as I should be, which is to say it has been a while since a book has really struck the right chords, and so any book really is a welcome thing, but regardless Joseph Heller created something truly incredible with his novel. For those unaware Catch-22 is a story about World War 2 – but instead of handling pre-war apathy from the West or carefully written anti-war post cards left around Germany, it dealt with a pilot, Yossarian, stationed out in Pianosa, a tiny island off the east coast of Italy, and the various army officials he has the displeasure of interacting with.

First and foremost, Catch-22 is a pleasure to read: it boasts a delightfully unique satire, and an unrivaled mastery of sophistry that will grow on you as you progress through the book. In addition, there’s a certain rhythm to his writing that highlight his major plot points, such as the girl hitting Orr over the head with her shoe in Rome, or Nately’s whore and her kid sister, or the soldier all in white, not to mention Yossarian’s constant return to the hospital – and, of course, most importantly, Catch-22 itself, the ultimate sophism. These become established early on, constantly keeping you guessing, and then once you find out what they really were everything all falls into place, not just from a plot oriented stand point, but from a thematic one as well.

To elaborate more on Catch-22, it’s a catch in any argument that means you have to do whatever the army tells you to do. The best example is that the only way any of the pilots can get out of flying more missions is to be declared insane, since any other injury can be treated in the hospital and means you can be returned to the field. Of course, any one that asks to be sent home (since this process won’t be done automatically) under the presumption that they’re crazy clearly are not crazy, because they’re asking to return home from a dangerous, life threatening war zone, and to recognize that is obviously to have complete mental faculty, and is therefore prevented from leaving. It’s ironic on so many levels because the military in this case recognize the danger they’re putting men through, but then does everything in their power to push people into the battlefield regardless. In addition, clearly they are aware of their hypocrisy of their argument, but even though it requires that acknowledgement of a contradiction to make it in the first place, they still play stupid.

I really should write up a thorough analysis of the major themes of the book, because there’s really a lot to talk about. Most notable is Yossarian’s plan to escape – recognizing that he can’t fight the army, and that he must instead escape the vicious system all together. Then there is Milo Minderbinder, a cook that develops an ‘enterprise’ in which he trades goods around Europe for incredible profits, and who ends up ordering attacks against his own base with the eventual consent of his superior officers since, supposedly, everyone gets a share of the profits – which really only makes me thing of the highly common trading of weapons to certain foreign empires that have been known to pay for attacks against us and other countries from the west (Saudi Arabia, if that wasn’t clear). There is the significance of Nately’s whore, who finally falls in love with Nately in the end but upon hearing of his death becomes determined to kill Yossarian – symbolic of his own guilt by association, perhaps, but also of the irrational responses many have to grief. In addition, there is something very profound about the way this novel depicts horrible things, and leverages those to make a statement about, obviously, the whole war thing in general, but also about it’s characters. Yossarian is a man profoundly changed by war, actually very empathetic but highly disturbed due to the death of his peers and first hand experience with the worst of war, and people themselves.

The major thing, at the end of it all, is that I can never understand how war continues after books like these come out. They so beautifully and powerfully criticize and undermine war, and make such an impact on the world, that it makes you wonder that even the creation of art like this isn’t enough.

Long

It was long. So long that you couldn’t see both ends up close, and so long that it took days and days and days to walk around it, where sometimes after a while you forget what you’re even doing, you’ve been walking so long. It was tall, too – tall enough that if you stood close enough at the right time of day it blotted out the sun like a mountain. It was very smooth, so smooth that even though it was apparently the very first thing I ever touched I never found anything smoother. Water ran right off it, and nobody ever successfully climbed up to the top. But what was it? Whenever anyone asked, I told them it was everything.

***

I woke up to the sound of children screaming outside my window. Today was the festival, unfortunately, which meant I wouldn’t be able to sleep in. Instead I would have to get up and set up Pete’s stand for him, and help my father cook the rice cakes, and teach everyone how to do Aunt Sammy’s special weaving technique because they always forgot from last year, all the while making sure Delilah didn’t run away into the jungle like she did three years ago even though she should be smart enough not to. I groaned and rolled around in my bed until eventually I threw my nice feather pillow at the wall and forced myself into the kitchen.

“Oh Elizabeth you’re finally awake, Pete wanted to tell you that he needs extra sugar from Thomas so get that before you go over. It’s so nice of you to help him, because of his back, you know.” My mom was busily arranging all of my basket making supplies in the baskets we made last year, stacking freshly picked vines with their pretty pink flowers and cut bamboo strands. It was her job to lead the dancing, and since I refused to have anything to do it I was handed down the basket weaving classes, because I learned how years ago since it was better than dancing. I grunted and grabbed a couple of hard-boiled eggs on my way out.

Thomas was thirty minutes straight if you followed the river west from the gate entrance, choosing to live just a little away from everyone else so he had plenty of space and lots of sunlight to farm what he called sugarcane.  He didn’t really do anything else, but the sugar he made out of it was so popular ever since he started farming it that nobody really cared. I put on my sandals, walked out my house down to the gate entrance, and headed off, peeling the first egg and letting the shells fall on the ground. A type of bird my village called egg-birds lived in the surrounding jungle, and a couple now came to my egg shell droppings and picked at them, looking for the egg innards that I had saved for myself. Out of boredom I tossed the other egg onto the ground and watched the birds peck at the egg and then, confused, at the solid mass inside. They were used to fresh eggs, and had long black beaks that were for poking the shell and draining the raw yolk. Now a couple of the bigger birds tried to pick up my egg and drain it into their mouths by jerking their head back, and then when nothing came out threw it back on the ground and hopped around and squawked angrily.

I laughed to myself and kept on walking until I got to Thomas’ farm. It was big, way bigger than the hub, and showed off rows and rows of person-height bushels of green stalks and leaves. Mini rivers hand carved into the ground from the big river brought water along to keep the whole field wet. He says that from where he’s from they’re almost twice the height, but these looked pretty big to me already. The body of the house was made out of what he says are called Dipterocarp, but that I had always just called what they were: trees. His house was built up on stilts so it wouldn’t get ruined if the river flooded, and topped with palm fronds on a triangular roof for rain to roll off, and there were windows that were sometimes covered with leaves but now were open so that light could shine in. I walked up to his front door, which had a barely legible “Thomas P.” carved onto its front and banged on it with the side of my fist.

“Who is it?” I heard Thomas yell, muffled, from inside the house.

“It’s Elizabeth,” I shouted back, and then crossed my arms and waited for him to open the door.

“Oh, Lizzy,” he said, surprised, even though I had already told him, when he finally let me in. “What do you need? I was just about to leave.”

               “Pete told me he needed more sugar,”

               “More? How much sugar does that man need, my God!” Thomas said, as if he couldn’t believe it. I had asked a long time ago what God was but he never really told me what it meant, just that it was a ‘sign of exasperation’. I used to copy him all the time as a kid but then he told me that people from his home wouldn’t like that – I guess you needed special privileges. Even as he complained Thomas disappeared into the back of his farm house and motioned for me to come. We walked all the way through the back through tables covered in the few books he brought with him that only he or I could read, and one giant red one that I was dying to look at but Thomas wouldn’t let me touch until he finished writing it, and then we got outside into his big farm area. To get there you had to pass through a big outdoor kitchen where lots of giant clay pots full of sugar water were sitting. These ones had already been boiled and cooled, and would have already had some old sugar thrown in to make the sugar solidify. From here you could see the grinding area, where Thomas spent most of the harvesting season hand grinding all his sugarcane into paste with a big rock. He then filtered the paste through cloth made from sheep that are kept near the hub and are shaved all the time because it’s so hot and then puts what’s left into the big pots to boil.

               Thomas picked up a few rodent skin bags and gave them to me to hold open while he scooped dried sugar from a pot into the bag with a little bowl, picking out dead insects as they came. Once he filled up three of these bags he gave me one to hold and we headed back to the hub to deliver them to Pete. On our way back I asked him if he knew what Pete was doing with all the sugar.

               “Well, last year all he did was mix it with sheep milk, which was pretty popular. I told him if he burnt it he could make caramel, but that’s more effort than he’s probably willing to deal with. It’s a shame, but for the better, Lord knows I don’t need the temptation.” Thomas slapped his stomach, as if to make fun of his weight, but he was actually very skinny. He always complained about being fat, which made everyone that actually was fat kind of angry. People started getting fatter every since he showed up with his sugar too. Some of the egg-birds flew by and Thomas pointed to them excitedly.

               “Those are called magpies, Lizzy. You can tell by the blue stripe along the wing, and the black head and white chest. Quirky little things, so much personality. Not very good to eat though, even in a pinch.”

               “Eat? How would you even catch them?”

               “Skillfully,” Thomas said. “I’ll show you some day.” Eventually we made it back, but it took longer because of all the sugar we were carrying. The hub was a big circle, with all the houses lined up along the sides, and a big open area in the middle. Pete’s place was twenty houses around the circle to the right of my house, and the closer we got the more it smelled like something burning.

               “That dumbass.” Thomas rolled his eyes, then looked at me awkwardly. “Uh, you’re not allowed to say that either.” We let ourselves in and found Pete over a clay pot poking at what looked like the last of his sugar. He was holding one hand to his cheek, as he did, and murmuring worriedly to himself. He looked up as Thomas dropped the bags to the floor and silently begged for help with his big, watery eyes. Thomas asked where his other pots were and I left them to it to get Pete’s stand ready. It was stuck behind his house out of sight, left out in the sun and dust so long it had lost all of the color from when we first dyed it with bark and seeds and fruit. I tried to wipe it clean with an old cloth I got wet from the river but it didn’t help all that much. Luckily it was very light, being left out to dry for years and years, so even I could drag it to the front of Pete’s house where everybody would be coming once the party started.

               I knew my mom would get mad at me if I just left it like that so I went back to my house and grabbed some fresh yellow dye that my mom liked to use and used my fingers to trace “Pete’s Specialty Cakes” over the faded remains from the last time it got painted. Nobody but Thomas and I knew how to read, but everyone thought it looked very cool anyways and Thomas would always say “it’s part of the aesthetic”.

               Eventually my dad came over with all of the rice cakes, which was a relief for me because it meant he got up early enough to do it without my help, and then Pete and Thomas had finished their caramel by then so they poured it all over the cakes. Thomas was talking to my dad, something about how they added sheep milk to keep it from getting too hard, but I didn’t pay too much attention because I was greedily eating one Pete secretly handed to me in his kitchen – it was delicious. By the time I finished the shadow over the whole village was reaching the hub’s edge so I knew it was time for the festival to start soon. I licked my fingers and ran back home to get the basket weaving supplies for my class, running past my mom and Delilah all dressed up in dancing dresses and carrying more of them to the center of the hub and laughing all the way over. Delilah was finally getting old enough to start helping, but unlike me at that age who hated having to do anything she loved the attention she got from our mom. Even if I didn’t care as much I was just happy she was turning out kind of normal – she was weird when she was younger, always staring off into the jungle. She always would look at this one particular section of it, opposite end of the big entrance I always used, northeastwards to where the river ran into the jungle because it curved the bottom part of a “C” in the middle of the hub. I knew she must have gone into that part when my mom started screaming that she was missing.

               I ran back with all my vines and leaves just in time for everyone to start coming out to celebrate, collecting around our village leader Young Laura, and who, in continuing the theme of what Thomas would call “tongue-in-cheek” naming in the village, was actually very old. She hobbled up our mound of dirt in the center of the hub without her usual walking stick, looking carefully to make sure she would not fall and embarrass herself in front of the village. Once she made it to the top she stood there and looked past the houses and fence and fields and distant mountaintops and waited until the sun came over it and draped diagonally across her chest like a blanket of light, and then spread her arms like she was holding her words in front of her and spoke.

               “As long as I’ve been alive I’ve been crippled. First it was my mind, lost in the mountains rather than staying in my head where it should be, playing with the forest rats that steal our bread and the forest birds that eat each other’s eggs, so that I would not work when I should, or learn when I could. Then it was my legs, so I could not follow that mind where it so desired, and instead I had to watch from this village and imagine what I could be seeing – it was only then that I worked, when there was nothing else. And once I had imagined all that there was to imagine and worked all there was to work it was my soul, that yearned for youth and beauty and adventure and received instead the same views I had seen thousands of time before, slowly ground away by life’s pestle to a nothingness that knew only to wait for the end to come. Now I am here, on this same mound I grew up playing around, basking in the symmetry of light and shadow, to represent the two ways of life we know: to live within, and to live without. I have done both, and now I stay here, as I should… as I must. But even if I must die here, no one else does – it is your choice, based on what you have been given. Choose wisely, so that you won’t regret it when you’re old and withered and tired like me.”

               Young Laura turned suddenly and walked off the stage into the shade to sit and relax by the side of the festival. Everyone in the village was nice and waited for her to sit down and then all hurried around to get everything started. Pete ran off to sell his cakes over by his house, my mom and Delilah took their time and walked slowly over to the center of the hub behind the mound since they had changed earlier, and I went to the mound and sat down and waited for enough people to sit down in front of me to learn. It was always the same people – Aunt Sammy’s family, which was her old husband and two adult children and five grandchildren, but not Aunt Sammy because she was dead; Young Laura and an actual young person Eva, short for Evangeline, who helped Young Laura make the basket because she could barely see; Thomas, which pleased me because even though I didn’t really like teaching because it was a chore I did like being able to show off that I was good at something to people I liked. There was also Patrick and Steve and Johnathan who all went everywhere together, and Melissa and Mitchell who were only a few years older than me and already together and who the kids would collectively call “Mmmm” with their lips together to try to make fun of them. Then Alice and May who were friends and looked oddly similar even though they looked totally different, and finally Jimmy who stared at me in ways I didn’t like and was kind of ugly but never said anything which is good because my mom sat me down and told me about a guy who liked her when she and dad were still courting one time and he sounded a hundred times worse. I didn’t really understand why there always came to learn, because they’d learned six or seven times at this point and weren’t all stupid, except for maybe Patrick who really was only good for talking at. Sometimes some new people would come try it out and actually learn and leave, or give up because it was too hard even though it really wasn’t, but every year it was mostly these people. Jimmy I kind of understood, even though I wish I didn’t – it seemed like a big waste of time to me but at least I had an audience.

               Basket weaving itself, like I said, is not very hard. Aunt Sammy’s husband Phil is the one that cut down and prepared the bamboo into strips for weaving. He taught me how once and I promised myself I would stop teaching weaving if he died because it took forever to make the bamboo strips and I would not make them myself. Anyways, to weave a basket you need some flat, wider strips as the general structure, and then smaller strands maybe a third the width to tie everything together. You lay 7 down over eachother so that they only cross over in the middle and spread out in a circle, and then with a smaller strand you loop it underneath one of the larger strands and bring it up to the center. Then all you have to do is go over the next strand and under the one after that and so on, and once you get far enough you kind of push and bend the larger strands to make the shape you want and then eventually you’re done and you can cut off all the loose strands with a knife. Like I said, not that hard, and if I had to guess the only thing that made the technique “special” is that no one else knew anything about weaving before Aunt Sammy came along one day with her husband and newborn baby so pregnant she gave birth that night to a second daughter, much to the delight of the younger Young Laura who was letting her sleep in her house. Young Laura always loved kids, because, she once told me, more people in the village now meant more people in the village later, and more people was always better.

               So I made a basket with everyone, walked around with it half finished to show people, and corrected mistakes and answered questions. Young Laura made half decent baskets all things considered, but Eva who always did one for herself as well made the best. Melissa made the second best, which annoyed Mitchell I think who would always try very hard and still not be as good, and then if I had to pick a third I would say Steve, just because everyone else’s were always lopsided or had big holes.

               Suddenly it was time for the dancing – my mom and sister had gotten all the girls and women changed and made everybody practice all the moves and now they had to perform. Pete and my dad and a kind of older guy named Samuel were already by the clearing with drums made from sheep skin and jungle trees and wool, and then everyone lined up and Pete started to play. I’m no good at describing music without words but it was a steady dun… dun and then my dad started to sing but he didn’t sing any words just sang and then Samuel and my dad started to play the drums faster and faster like people running along the river and then everyone was stomping their feet and dancing. People didn’t learn very well after just an hour or two so they just kind of danced and swayed together and made a big circle so my mom could do the actual dance. She was really good – I would have been proud if I didn’t hate the dance itself so much. It had lots of hip movement and the dress showed off more than the normal clothes she wore and I hated more than anything the way everyone looked at her when she danced, the way Jimmy looked at me but worse, so much worse, like they were all about to attack her. Everybody except Thomas, who looked just as disgusted as I felt whenever he watched, and this time he walked up next to me with that expression on his face that I appreciated more than he could know. The weirdest part about the dancing was the way my mom would face it, that thing that covered the sun and was always there and nobody knew why or when or how just that it wasn’t a mountain because nothing grew on it. She would face it and drop to her knees and cry and shout as if it was the only thing that ever mattered but it didn’t, the village mattered, me and dad and Delilah mattered, she cared so much it made me jealous because it was nothing.

               “I’ll never understand this. Primitive, base, ignoble, pagan, your choice… Anyways I know you hate this so how about we steal a couple of cakes and I’ll show you that book I’ve been writing – you’ll love it I promise.”

               I didn’t know what those words meant yet so we snuck over to Pete’s house but there was only one cake left so we took it and then we walked off through the entrance and followed the river to his house. It was a relief to get away the whole thing made me sick and I really wanted to read that big red book so I was happy the whole way there as we shared the last cake.

               When we got to his house Thomas said the big book was on the table and he disappeared into his backyard. I opened the first page and was amazed – it was full of drawings of the local wildlife, with descriptions on the bottom and sides and top. Thomas’s handwriting was very neat, and the pictures were beautiful, and looked just like each animal. There were the egg-birds and our sheep and the rats and snakes and little flying insects and on and on so that I was so fascinated I didn’t even notice what was happening outside until I heard this strange whining sound getting louder and louder until I couldn’t stand it and I went outside with the book in my arms and saw this giant thing floating down on top of Thomas’s sugarcane, crushing and burning all of the unharvested crops beneath it as if they were paper in a fire. It was gigantic, twice the size of the house, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen – it reminded me of the thing in the Hub. Thomas was standing by the exit to the backyard with a bag full of books and a frown on his face, and when a giant slab of metal opened up out of the ship he walked on top of it into the incredibly bright yellow light and told me to follow him. I was scared, but more curious about it than even the red book so I walked inside and didn’t understand anything that I saw.

               There were glowing things everywhere, and that smooth material that was so much different from the rocks I was used to cutting things with, and all these colors that were somehow inside of it and not painted on. Everything was smooth, even the doorways were round like giant hollow eyeball sockets in a skull, and I followed Thomas through one of them to a room full of more bright glowing things and invisible stuff that was there because I went up and touched it but couldn’t see it no matter how I looked at it. And suddenly we were moving and I ducked down and I covered my face because I thought there would be wind like you were running really fast but there wasn’t and we kept going up and up and up and I felt like there was something pushing me into the ground until I barely see Thomas’s house but could still make out the Hub and then Thomas said Lizzy everybody was going to die now and I said What? and I looked down on my village that was now so small and I realized how big it was that mysterious not-mountain that was made of that mysterious material and then it started turning kind of red and my mom and dad and Delilah and Pete and Young Laura and Eva and Phil and Mitchel and Melissa and my home and my village and my everything all burst into flame with the forest and it was white now and then there was this giant noise and everything got blown away and I was screaming and crying and had dropped the book and was grabbing Thomas’s arm so hard that blood started coming out around my fingertips where my nails cut into his flesh and Thomas just stood there and watched as everything was destroyed and that’s why I tell people that it was everything because if something can destroy your everything then it becomes everything itself.

Now it’s been a while and I’m in this room covered in that weird material and Thomas gave me some paper and some stick that I can write with like he taught me before. I finally was calm enough to let him talk to me today and he said that I was too smart to let die but only he and I and the pilot, whatever that is, can know and that I should write about what happened because it would make me feel better but I wrote everything down, having to ask again and again how to spell all the big words he used, and now I feel worse. I hate you Thomas I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you but now you’re all I have.